Drunk Redneck Wedding
by AutumnDreamer
Summary: While out drunk at the Hampton Inn Ball Room, Emmett convinces each of the couples to get married. One-shot. Rated: M. Fluff, verge of Cracktastic. Inspired by a real event in my family.


This story was inspired by my own family. Details are at the end.

Thanks to Birdee for beta'ing this one!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Twilight_ but thank Stephenie Meyer for letting me play with some awesome characters.

* * *

**Drunk Redneck Wedding**

It was the end of a very hard and stressful semester of our first year in college. We were all happy and wanted to celebrate that we had made it through successfully. My brother Emmett had suggested that we all go out and get trashed. Emmett is a big boy. And I mean big. He's six foot five and all muscle. Alcohol doesn't quite affect him like it does the rest of us. He could down two six packs and still not be buzzed. I think I'd be retching after one six pack. Of course, I don't even like beer all that much. When the six of us went out, Bella would always turn her nose at beer. "It fucking smells like piss," she'd say. I couldn't disagree with her. Bella was considered a light weight, and she barely drank when we went out. Though, when she did partake, it was usually one of those fruity, girly drinks.

That was the type of drink I actually preferred. You couldn't fully taste all the alcohol and or feel the burn of it sliding down your throat. I should hang my head in shame and hand in my manhood card. I'd rather have a Blue Hawaii then a beer. Instead of being subjected to the vicious, childish taunts of Emmett and Jasper, I often compromised and ordered a Jack and Coke. If the bartender didn't go too heavy on the Jack, it was a good compromise for my palate.

The six of us met at my parents' house and then carpooled over to the Hampton Inn. I knew that Bella or I would end up being the designated driver for the evening. It always happened that way. One of us was always able to keep our composure and not get shit faced like the rest of them.

Bella the light weight. Edward the protector.

I always feared that if all of us were out of control, something bad would happen. I didn't want any of the girls to be taken advantage of while were out. We were out tonight to have fun and let loose not to have Bella, Rosalie, or Alice assaulted or to have their drinks spiked.

We made our way through the lobby of the Hampton Inn and headed toward the ball room. I never understood why it was called a ball room. There was nothing extraordinary about it. The bar was situated not far from the entrance. A disc jockey was perched on the small stage with an equally small dance floor stationed in front of it. The rest of the room was littered with tables of varying sizes and their accompanying chairs. Not exactly ball room material but we liked hanging out here.

Tonight, I wasn't really in the mood to get shit faced. However, I didn't feel like being the complete responsible one either. I wanted to relax. I wanted a nice buzz.

I had two Jack and Cokes but made it look like I had four. This way, I could laugh at Emmett's antics and feel carefree but still be in control. Bella was still nursing her first Malibu Bay Breeze and had asked for a bottle of water. She often did that, drinking any alcohol in intervals with water and stopping far enough in advance that she was able to drive.

Emmett may have had a few beers before we left. No, there was no 'may' about that. He had to have had a few beers before we headed out. Rosalie was straddling his lap and they were in a hot and heavy make out session.

"Alright you two, don't you think that's enough?" I asked, slightly disgusted at their public display of affection. "Why don't you go get a room?" I tried to slur my words just slightly in order to keep up my charade.

The two of them broke free for a moment and glared at me. "You're just jealous, Eddie," Rosalie spoke before dipping her head down to attack my brother's neck.

Emmett's eyes rolled back at Rosalie's actions. "Um… yeah, you're jealous," he groaned. "Why don't you make out with Bella? You're both single."

How I wish I could work up the nerve. Bella and I had been friends for as long as I could remember. Two years ago when she went on a date with Mike Newton I realized I was jealous. I wanted it to be me who Bella glanced up at and smiled for when she opened the door. I wanted to walk hand in hand with her. I wanted to take her to dinner, the movies, and kiss her goodnight.

I wanted to be the one to lie beside her at night.

I simply wanted her. To be with her. All of her.

Slap some feathers on me and call me a chicken. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid she'd say no. I was afraid she'd laugh at me and serve me with a rejection notice.

I couldn't take that. I couldn't be rejected by the woman I dreamt about every night.

To be friends with Bella was better than to have her disappear from my life. I ached for her every second of every day.

I watched and waited. I evaluated the men she dated. None of them were ever good enough for _my_ Bella.

I heard a huff from beside me. "There he goes, whoring me out to the highest bidder." Bella walked over to the other side of the table and smacked Emmett in the back of the head. "Quit it!"

She glared at me while taking her seat. "I can't believe the two of you are related."

"I swear he was switched at birth," I half joked. "Bella, I'm sorry for his comment. That was rude of Emmett. You're not a whore, you're priceless."

Bella sighed. "You're drunk."

"Am not." At that moment I hiccupped. "I am not! Come here." I motioned for her to move closer to me, and she complied. Bella scooted her chair over so she was right next to me. Our thighs touched. So close but yet so far away. That's what it felt like. I wanted to touch her entire body so badly. "Not drunk, tipsy is all."

She gave me a death glare.

"I'd bid on you if you were up on an auction block," I stupidly pronounced.

"Really?" Bella looked skeptical. "And how much would you bid on me?"

"A million, a billion, a bajillion bucks, love!" Great, I now seemed to have diarrhea of the mouth. This was not good. "I'd save you from the sleazy men bidding on you."

_I'd make you all mine. All mine! Alrighty, that sounded awfully demented._

I slouched down in the chair and rested my head on Bella's shoulder. "You're drunk," she insisted. "You don't have a billion dollars."

"I'd steal it." I glanced up at her. "Anything for you, Bella. I'd save you from those slimy creatures."

"Edward, I…" Her words trailed off, but before she could continue, Emmett's booming voice shattered my thoughts.

"Rosie said yes!" he proclaimed loudly. "She said yes!"

Alice perked up from my other side. "Finally, someone else agrees that you're an idiot!"

"No, no!" Emmett grinned. "She's gonna marry me!"

Jasper stifled a laugh. "You gotta be shitting me." He looked at his sister who was standing next to Emmett. She was beaming and confirmed Emmett's declaration with a simple nod of her head. "Oh, Lord, she's gone insane."

"We're getting married right now!"

Jasper was right—he was insane. "Emmett, if you haven't noticed, we're not in Vegas. How are you going to get married right now?"

"You're going to marry us, of course!" Emmett declared. "We're going to have a drunk redneck wedding."

"Say what?" How the hell many beers had he finished? Rose was still standing next to him, her arm wrapped around his middle. "I ain't no minister!"

"What the hell is a drunk redneck wedding?" Alice asked curiously.

"We're drunk. Check. One day Rose and I will be married in a church, right baby?" Emmett looked down at Rose who affirmed his question silently. "We're here, someone plays minister and we have a little ceremony. Check."

"It'd be more redneck if we were outside and took pictures of the darling couple with an outhouse behind them," Jasper interjected.

"PhotoShop," Bella piped up. "I know someone."

Emmett removed the red carnation from the little vase on the table. "Rose, you can use this as your bouquet."

"Oh, Emmett, that's so sweet of you!" Rose gushed and leaned in for a kiss. Emmett captured her lips and the rest of us stood around awkwardly, waiting for them to stop.

"Let's get this show on the road!" I pleaded.

"Father Edward, will you please marry us?" Emmett waggled his eyebrows.

"Where the hell is your blood test?" I joked. "You don't even have a marriage certificate!"

"Hold on!" Bella excitedly shouted. She grabbed a pen out of her purse and scribbled on a napkin off the table. I read the words she scribbled when she passed it to me.

"Drunk Redneck Wedding Certificate. Their blood is a-ok." I barely finished reading the napkin without laughing. Bella signed her name and underneath it put 'witness', and I saw where she wrote the word 'officiator'. Taking the pen from Bella, I signed my name above the spot. "Let's get this lovely couple married!"

Emmett stood on my left with Jasper behind him. Rose, holding onto the single carnation, stood on my right with Bella and Alice behind her.

"Who gives away this woman?" Was that right? I was already screwing this so-called wedding up.

"I do." Jasper announced solemnly. "No returns or exchanges, Emmett." I ignored him.

I totally blanked out. What does a minister say at the beginning of a wedding? I found myself spitting out the first words I could think of. "Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethew today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam with a dweam. And wove, twue wove, wiww fowwow you fowevah and evah. So tweasuwe youw wove."

Bella was doubled over, laughing hysterically. _Princess Bride_ was one of her favorite movies. She had made me watch it repeatedly when we hung out at her house. "Mawwiage… oh Edward!"

"Do you, Rosalie Hale, take my moron of a brother Emmett, to be your unlawfully not really husband?" I asked seriously.

"I do," Rose proclaimed with a smile.

"Do you promise to love, honor, and obey-" I stopped when I noticed the look of horror on Rosalie's face.

"This is going to be the first time an officiator dies at a wedding ceremony," Alice mumbled, hiding behind Bella.

"Obey?" Rosalie glared at me. "Excuse me?"

"Please don't kill me!" I said the words in a rush. "I'm a new minister! I meant 'cherish'. Yeah, that's right. Cherish. Do you promise to love, honor and cherish Emmett, uh, for the rest of your days?"

"I do!"

"Do you, Emmett Cullen, take this woman who does not deserve you, Rosalie Hale, to be your unlawfully wedded bitch… I mean bride. Bride! Do you?" Maybe I had more than just two Jack and Cokes. I really didn't mean to call Rose a bitch. She made Emmett happy, but she was headstrong and a bit strong willed at times. Rose was sweet but could also be a total bitch when she needed to be.

"I do!"

"Emmett, do you promise to love, honor and-"

Rosalie cut me off. "Obey."

I smiled at the double standard. "Emmett, do you promise to love, honor, and obey your bitch. Bride!"

"I…" Emmett paused to belch loudly. Way to impress your so-called bride. "Do."

"Have you the _wing_?" I asked. "Emmett, um, we can skip this part I guess."

Bella rushed over to her purse on the table and rummaged through it. "Ah ha!" She cried victoriously showing us a handful of twist ties. Bella handed one to the both of them. What the hell was she doing with a handful of twist ties in her purse? "Don't ask." It was like she could read my mind.

"Since I already screwed this shit up so many times, just say whatever when you slip the _wings_ on." I instructed them. "Um, Rose, you wanna go first?"

"Emmett, I love you with all my heart." The bitchy bride was getting misty eyed. "I hope one day to really marry you. Baby, please get us a more polite minister to do the job. Edward is just _rude_."

I stuck my tongue out at her and heard Jasper snicker. Rose slipped a twist tie around Emmett's ring finger and securely fastened it.

"Rosie, I love you too, with all my heart. I've loved you since the first day you walked into shop class and ended up rebuilding the entire engine of the '69 Camaro. You kick ass, my lady love."

Oh, Emmett is so eloquent. He gently took Rose's ringer finger and wrapped a twist tie around it.

"With absolutely no power vested in me by the state of Washington by being Emmett's brother, I now pronounce you almost married." Bella and Alice clapped behind Rose. "You may now kiss your kinda-ish wannabe bride!"

Bella and Alice took a few steps back and then reached into Bella's purse. They started throwing snack size packets of M&M's at the kissing couple. I held my stomach and laughed.

"Oooh, dessert!" Emmett declared when he saw the M&M's.

"No bird seed in there?" I questioned Bella. "But you have twist ties?"

"It's better than throwing my entire purse." You can say that again. She'd knock the two of them out with that sucker.

Alice insisted that I marry her and Jasper the same way I had married Emmett and Rosalie. Of course, I had to leave out calling my own sister a bitch but that wouldn't be a problem. Alice even made Bella write them a Redneck Wedding Certificate. I repeated my speech from _Princess Bride_. Bella had a hard time keeping it together again when I started quoting from the movie. Like Rose, Alice had insisted that she use the word 'cherish' while Jasper had to use 'obey'. He didn't argue with her. Not quite as drunk as Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper had said a few loving words to each other. I could really see the two of them getting married one day. When I pronounced them man and wife, it was Bella and Rosalie who pelted them with M&M's still in the packet, of course.

"It's your turn, Edward!" Emmett declared. "Now it's your turn to get married!"

"I'm not dating anyone, you moron." Somehow, I knew what he was thinking. He wanted me and Bella to 'get married'.

"I know that, stupid head! You and Bella should get married, it's only right!"

Only right? "What do you mean?"

Emmett avoided my question. "I get to play minister this time!"

I turned to Bella to find her blushing and biting her lip. I loved when she did that. "Isabella Marie Swan, would you do me the pleasure of fake redneck marrying me?"

She stopped biting her lip long enough to smile at me. "Yes! I will marry you Edward Cullen!"

My heart swelled in my chest. Bella was beaming at me. I had imaged Bella saying those words to me, in a more intimate way than the ball room of the Hampton Inn. I was surprised that she professed the words so excitedly. Maybe she had more to drink than I originally thought.

Alice was the one who made our Redneck Wedding Certificate, and Jasper signed as the witness. Emmett inspected the napkin and declared it to be a legal document.

As Bella made her way over to me Alice quietly sang, "Here comes the bride, all dressed in blue…" My sister forked over the gently-used bouquet to Bella.

Emmett cleared his throat and suddenly became very serious. The effects of the alcohol must have been wearing off. I took Bella's hands in mine, as Emmett and Jasper had done with Rose and Alice. "We are gathered here tonight at the Hampton Inn to join Edward and Bella in unholy unmatrimon-imy. Do you, Edward, take this woman to be your unreal wife for as long as this night shall last?"

"I do!" I sounded overexcited at the prospect.

"Do you, Bella, take this stupid head to be your unreal husband, for as long as this night shall last?" Emmett barely finished the sentence before turning and belching loudly in my face. Holy hell, his breath stunk. He was in dire need of a mint.

Bella tried to suppress a giggle. "I do!"

Emmett turned back to Bella. "Do you promise to love, honor and cherish Edward?"

"I do."

"Edward, do you promise to love, honor, and obey Bella?"

Oh, what the hell, I didn't fight it. Bella covered her mouth with one hand to try to conceal her laughter. "I do."

"Would you like to say a few words to one another?" Emmett questioned us seriously. "Short bus sweet, my attention span is that of a gnat's life right now."

"Bella, from the first time I saw you when you walked into my kindergarten class, I knew I was going to love you." I gently caressed her hand with my thumb. "After you threw up on me in Bio in tenth grade, I knew you were the one for me. I love that you know how to make me laugh. I would like to spend the rest of my days trying to make you laugh too."

"That was fucking sweet, but too damn long." Emmett declared groggily. "Next!"

"Edward, I've loved you since you let me wear your pants home from school the day in first grade when I accidentally pissed myself." Alice laughed so hard she fell off of her chair. "You made me love you even more when you didn't complain when I threw up on you in Bio. It would be my honor if you tried to make me laugh for the rest of my life."

I blushed at her words. Could Bella possibly feel something for me? She recited the fake vows so convincingly, so lovingly. No, I couldn't think like that now. The little bit of alcohol I had was dulling my senses.

Emmett stood before us in a daze. I slapped his cheek to get his attention. "Oh, right! Okay, who's got the twist ties?"

Alice passed us each a twist tie which we applied to each other's ring fingers. I took the moment to encompass both of Bella's hands in mine.

"With absolutely no power vested in me by the state of Washington as this jackass's brother, I now pronounce you almost married." Emmett turned to smile at Alice. "You may now kiss your wannabe bride."

I kissed Bella on the cheek. Evidently, that display of affection wasn't enough to satisfy Emmett. "Oh, come on, Eddie! Kiss her like you mean it! Don't make me show you how to get the job done."

I rolled my eyes and silently pleaded with Bella. "It's okay," she stated. "You can kiss me."

My heart did back flips and somersaults. I thought it was beating so hard that it would explode from my chest. Knowing my luck, it'd fly out and hit Bella, rendering her unconscious. "We, um, don't have to, Bella." The last thing I wanted to do was for Bella to feel pressured into kissing me. I wanted to kiss her, I truly did, but if she didn't want to kiss me then I'd live a dejected man.

"Kiss your damn wife, Edward!" Emmett demanded before turning to Rosalie and dragging her to the dance floor. Alice and Jasper followed quickly and quietly behind them.

Bella slowly inched her way over to me and wrapped her hands around my neck. She threaded her fingers through my hair. I leaned down and lightly placed my lips on hers. I was about to pull back when Bella twisted my hair in her fingers and started kissing me back. I was a goner. I was forever hers.

"And that, Sabrina, is how your lovely mother and I ended up together!" I exclaimed proudly.

"Edward, would you please stop telling that story to our cat?!" Bella asked from the kitchen. The sound of a can top being popped jarred Sabrina from her petting-induced daze. The little black and white feline jumped up from my lap and headed into the kitchen. "I really don't think Sabrina cares how her _parents_ got together."

"I'm practicing for when we have one of our own," I beamed.

Bella left the kitchen and walked toward me, oddly touching her stomach. "You need to clean up the language in your story before you tell it to our little boy or girl."

"Bella?"

My wife of three years came and sat down on my lap. She eyed the Drunk Redneck Wedding Certificate that was hanging in a frame behind me. Our twist tie rings were also behind the glass. Jasper and Emmett had done the same thing with their certificate and rings. We each seemed to be sentimental like that. "Yes, Edward?"

"Are you?" I gulped, trying to extract the last word from my mouth. "Pregnant?"

Bella smiled sheepishly and nodded her head. "I found out this morning. I was trying to find the perfect way to tell you."

I smiled and embraced Bella. My heart felt so full right then. I asked the usual questions a husband would ask—how far along the pregnancy was, if everything was okay and asked when her next check up was. I wanted to be there for her next appointment to know everything that was going on. Bella and I were going to start a family together. A wide grin spread across my lips as I hugged her once more.

Forever would never be enough.

* * *

As I stated above, this story was actually inspired—in a round about way—by members of my family. In early November '08 I was told that my cousin Edie and her fiancé Paul were getting married. It was going to be a simple ceremony at her parents' house with a few relatives and the Justice of the Peace. My mom and I were going to go upstate that weekend and be with our family. Paul's divorce papers didn't come through so the wedding was pushed back to the next weekend. My mom called me again and told me that the divorce papers didn't come through again. Edie was tired of pushing back everything and asked that everyone come up anyway.

That weekend my mom and I headed upstate for a fake wedding. Mom baked the wedding cake while I videotaped and took pictures. Edie didn't wear a traditional white wedding dress; instead, she wore a very nice navy blue and white dress. Paul dressed in a nice pair of slacks, a tie and a white button up shirt.

It was raining outside. The make shift tent had holes in it that leaked and dripped on us. Edie and Paul stood in front of a green tarp which hid a bunch of wooden palates. I told Edie I could photoshop in a nice background. My mom played minister and at the end recited, "With the power vested in me by the state of New York by being Edie's aunt, I now pronounce you almost married!"

There were some little kids in attendance who couldn't get the packages of bird seed open. We all started laughing when they threw the complete unopened packages at Edie and Paul--hence the packages of M&M's being thrown at the "wedding couples".

On the way home I told my mother I should also photoshop in a natural background with an outhouse in the background and a sign that said "My Redneck Wedding".

And then, for some unknown reason, the other day this version of Emmett's redneck wedding came to be. I hope you enjoyed.


End file.
